Tag Archives: feelings

The sexual side of “reversed” gender roles


For quite a while I have somewhat hesitated to write about this, because sex is such a private thing to talk about. And well, I definitely won’t go into any details. So no need to worry – or hope – about that. In any case, since I started this blog, several people have mentioned the subject both in comments and in private messages. Does the fact that my wife is a martial arts expert influence our love life?

Well, neither of us are into BDSM and I don’t have any particular “fetish”, so in that way it does not affect us. And as I mentioned in the previous post, I do not feel emasculated at all because she is a black belt. But as I have discussed in several other blog posts (like for example here), my wife’s martial arts expertise in certain ways does “reverse” the gender roles in the relationship, due to the fact that she is far better than me at self defence and physical fighting. And even though I can’t quite put my finger on why, this is actually kind of sexy. I guess it’s both because it challenges me as a man in an unusual way (perhaps in part because of the sense of not being in control) and it is also very impressive and cool, so it’s something I really admire about her. The martial arts training obviously also makes her very healthy and fit, which of course is also positive. So, to sum it up, I definitely find my wife’s black belt martial arts skills is a positive thing, also when it comes to love and sex.


An exercise in not being in control


I like to feel that I am “in control” of the situation I am in. I want to feel that I only depend on myself and my own efforts and actions. When I feel I have no control, it can be quite stressful, frustrating and even scary. One such example is traveling in an airplane. I am no pilot, the airplane is traveling very fast at a very high altitude and I can’t even see what is in front of the airplane – so my body and my life is completely in the hands of airplane crew and the technology and structure of the machine itself. This is one of the main reasons I don’t like flying.

As I have mentioned on this blog, I have “practiced” hapkido a couple of times with my wife and it has been both a lot of fun and very interesting. But those hapkido demonstrations were also a situations when I felt I had no control, which made me feel uncomfortable and frustrated. After all, no matter how hard I tried, there was very little I could do to stop her from throwing me, putting me on the floor, bending my joints and tying my limbs up in knots with a seemingly endless array of techniques.

Of course part of my frustration came from the simple fact that by nature I’m a pretty competitive guy and I was getting my butt handed to me by my wife, in spite of being significantly bigger and stronger than her. But my negative feelings also had a lot to do with me being put in a position of “powerlessness” where I was not at all in control. Even though of course she didn’t (and never would), it was obvious that with just a little more pressure and by following through on the hapkido techniques, she could very easily have inflicted serious pain and injuries on me. One could say that my body and my life is in the hands of my wife – a bit like the airplane situation.

The other week, one of my best female friends pointed out to me that this could actually be a good opportunity for me to practice my ability to not feel the need to be in control all the time. I think she really has a point. After all there are a lot of things in life we can’t control. We all need to accept that. Most ot the time, it’s a good idea to just stay calm and not let the situation get to you, even if you can’t control it. Put things in perspective – is it really so serious/bad/dangerous? Ride with the flow of life and put some trust and faith in other people!

When I told my friends about my new girlfriend

Group Of Young Friends Enjoying Meal In Outdoor Restaurant

Telling friends about that you met someone, or that you have a new girlfriend can be quite exciting. That was no different when I had started dating Leticia (my wife) a couple of years ago. My friends of course asked questions about her, her personality and wanted to see pictures of her. The one thing that made the situation a bit different was that when people asked about Leticia’s work and interests, I of course mentioned that she has a black belt in hapkido and that she works as a martial arts and self defence instructor. My friends all reacted in different ways; some joked a bit about it (like “don’t piss her off” and similar), several of my female friends said they loved it and that Leticia was “badass” and I also remember one friend saying “wow so she can kick your butt – how does that feel?”.

Before Leticia had showed me some of her hapkido skills and techniques I wasn’t at all sure what to expect from it, since I have never been into martial arts myself – and I had no idea how effective it can be. Looking back now, I have to be honest and admit that at that time my ego wasn’t quite ready to admit that a woman like Leticia, way smaller than me and so very feminine, would be able to kick my butt. So the little jokes and comments implying that she could, although they were perfectly innocent, stung my pride a bit and made me a little uncomfortable. I mostly just laughed it off but it also made me even more curious about Leticia’s martial art and it also felt a bit like a sort of “challenge” for me to ask for a “demonstration” or “intro lesson”, which of course I finally did about four months into our relationship.

The first weeks after Leticia’s first hapkido demo with me in her practice studio, although I very much admired her and it made me fall in love with her even more, I also felt quite embarrassed about the apparent ease with which Leticia had wiped the floor with me using her hapkido skills, so I didn’t really talk about it with anyone. When the subject came up I just mentioned that yes Leticia had shown me some of her skills and that it was awesome and impressive and – if people asked – that yes she could kick my butt.

I was worried that I might be ridiculed, teased and that people (including my friends) would laugh at me. As time went by, I found out this was not the case and as I started to think more logically and ignoring old stereotypes, I also felt more and more comfortable talking about it. Sure, people did comment, there were jokes and especially my female friends loved hearing about Leticia’s martial arts skills and some laughed about it – a lot, but there has been absolutely no mocking, mean spirited comments or any kind of ridicule.

So in conclusion, I totally underestimated my friends when it came to this and there was really no reason at all for me to worry about their reactions.