Tag Archives: relationship

Reader question: “Do you feel like less of a man?”

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A while back, I received a message from a guy who had read sa couple of posts on this blog. He asked me if my wife’s martial arts expertise and the fact that she can easily “kick my butt” in any way made me feel like less of a man in my relationship with her.

I can see where he is coming from and why he would pose this question. I know that for many men, getting your butt kicked “by a girl” is a huge embarrassment and basically means that you should “turn in your man card”. On the other hand, for many others, the whole thing is a total non-issue because martial arts is a skill like any other and relationships aren’t about two people beating each other up anyway, so obviously it doesn’t make a guy any less of a man.

So does my wife’s martial arts expertise and training make me feel like less of a man? No, it doesn’t. But it has challenged how I think of manliness and what it means to be a man (hence, one of the reasons I started this blog two years ago).

Even though I have been in a relationship with my wife for quite a long time now and years have passed since she first gave me a first hand demonstration of her martial arts skills and the effectiveness of hapkido techniques, I can still feel a certain level of embarrassment thinking and talking about it. It still “hurts my pride” to some extent and there is a sense of frustration that I, as a man with a significant size, weight and strength “advantage” over her, am not able to simply overpower her in a physical contest. But none of these feelings really affect me in my day to day life. To sum it up, I would say that it’s basically just a fact of life that I accept. Besides, the positive sides of my wife’s martial arts training (mostly for her of course, but also for me) are so much bigger and more important than any annoying feelings or stereotypes that I may sometimes experience.

However, I do think that to some extent I really would have felt less of a man if I hadn’t be able to admit that – because of her years of martial arts practice and natural talent for that – my wife is way better than me at fighting and self defence. I mean if I had tried to make up excuses or if I had been lying to others and maybe to myself about it. So I would say my advice to other men in a similar situation is to simply be honest, accept it and give the woman credit for the talent and hard work she has put down to achieve these skills. Be proud of her!

Seven reasons being married to a black belt woman is great

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Practicing martial arts has many benefits for women. That should be pretty obvious to most people. But dating or marrying a woman into martial arts also brings benefits for a man! Here are seven reasons why a man too benefits from being married to a woman with a black belt in martial arts!

1. She is confident

As a black belt she has worked long and hard for a goal and achieved it. This fact in itself generates self-confidence and empowerment, as any major achievements in life. Martial arts specifically also gives her the confidence of knowing that she can take care of her self and protect others. And a confident person is generally more pleasant to be around than a nervous and insecure person, right?

2. No big ego

Arrogance and a huge ego is more often than not the result of an attempt to compensate for and hide low self-confidence and insecurities. In other words, a huge ego is the projection of false confidence, and that is annoying and rarely a good thing. On the other hand, as mentioned above, a woman practicing martial arts will gain real confidence. Practicing and perfecting martial arts skills also requires lots of humility. So it’s a great way for a person to get over any ego issues. And an ego free wife is of course is of course something that’s very positive for any husband to have!

3. She is healthy and fit

Martial arts is a full body exercise and a person practicing it regularly over a long period of time is bound to obtain a healthy and fit body. My wife for example, works/practices hapkido for several hours six days a week – so she is in great shape! Martial arts training results in stamina, strength and flexibility. And as they say, a healthy body can also be a way to reach a healthy mind and a more harmonious and happy existance. So this is an obvious win-win both for her and  the guy she is married to!

4. She can defend herself – and you!

Of course it goes without saying that a as a martial arts expert, she can defend herself if she has to. For me as her husband, that feels very good to know and makes me worry less about her safety. And – provided you can get over any issues about not necessarily being the “protector” in the relationship, you’ll feel safer and more relaxed too having a hand to hand combat expert by your side!

5. She is calm

Martial arts training isn’t just about physical conditioning and exercise, but just as much about learning to keeping their feelings, reflexes and impulses under control. True martial arts masters have to learn to be in control of themselves at all times, keep calm and think straight in very stressful situations – and that obviously helps to achieve a very high level personal discipline. A common prejudice about female martial arts practitioners is that they are volatile and prone to use violence and would therefor constitute a danger to their husbands. However, nothing could be further from the truth. If a woman has achieved a level of martial arts skills where she is able to defeat a much bigger and stronger man in hand to hand combat, she has very likely also achieved a very high level of discipline, restraint and emotional control. She does not thirst for violence, picking fights or arguments, but knows that the best form of self defence is to avoid confrontation and fighting when possible. Thus a female martial artist is much less – not more – likely to get violent or throw fits of screaming rage towards her husband.

6. She is disciplined, patient and good listener

In order to excel at martial arts, you need high degree of discipline, concentration, patience and ability to focus. In hapkido, the black belt skills take years worth of hard training and taking in instructions to master – and the techniques often appear counter intuitive, so it takes a lot of disciplined and patient practice, to perfect them. Facing a male attacker, even a seconds lamps in concentration might result in a disaster. So it’s absolutely vital to keep focused. The same power of concentration that for example allows her to dodge and evade a barrage of punches and use a big, strong man’s own momentum and weight to lay him out flat on the floor, also enables her to be disciplined, focused and patient in order to find solutions in complicated or difficult situations in life in general – or to listen to you when you have something to say!

7. It’s sexy!

Confidence can make a woman more sexy and obviously so can being healthy, fit and flexible too. So in these ways, martial arts can add to the sexiness. In my opinion, her martial arts skills can also in themselves be a definite plus in this area! Sure, the fact that she has the skills to throw a man around like a rag doll or bend him into a pretzel without breaking a sweat can in a way represent a bit of a challenge to our traditional sense of manhood, or even lead to feelings of frustration and embarrassment. But I would argue it is also a really cool and very impressive skill for a woman to have -it makes me admire her more and that adds to her sexiness! If you let it, the “reversal” of traditional expectations and gender roles in this sense can actually also be source of very positive sexual energy!

Being in a “mixed race” relationship

With me being a white guy and my wife a black woman, we form an interracial couple. It really hasn’t been a big issue for us at all. The other day however, I happened to catch a movie on tv about an interracial couple who suffered all sorts of prejudice and problems because of their relationship, so I thought I’d write a bit about my own experience. 

Far right racism
Now, the movie was set somewhere in southern United States during the 1960’s, while we live in Northern Europe in 2018 – obviously two very different times and very different societies. So far, we have run into very few problems. Having said that, during the last couple of years, racism has been on the rise in Europe and has to some extent become more accepted here in Sweden. People who want to throw out all immigrants and especially those with a different skin colour (including for example my wife, who is from Brazil) are showing themselves much more openly on the internet and even as elected officials, than just a a couple of years ago. In last week’s election here in Sweden, a party founded by real life nazis in the 1990’s got 17,5% of the votes. Some of their voters and many of their politicians view white people who marry people of other races as traitors to the white race. Though these views – so far – are basically confined to rage tweets or hateful rants on Facebook, it is still a sad and scary trend.

The most racist comment about my relationship that anyone has said straight “to my face” however actually came from a Russian woman attempting to flirt with me. When I told her I already had a girlfriend and showed her a picture, she said:
“What?! How can you date a BLACK girl!? She is very lucky”…
Hearing that, honestly, I just felt pity for her.

Everyday prejudice
Though not at all as dangerous and hateful as the far right activists and racists, I have found that everyday prejudice, stereotypes and preconceived ideas from people – some of whom view themselves as conscious “anti-racists” – can be quite the nuisance. When we visit Brazil, my wife has noticed some people assume that she, as a black woman dating a white foreign man, is a “gold digger”. Here in Sweden, it’s not completely uncommon – especially for leftist leaning persons – to assume that a woman who came here from a South American country with “less white” people, is somehow by definition a victim and in constant need of help, support and protection from the government. Apparently, to these people, being a woman and being black makes you a “minority” and therefor automatically an oppressed victim. To a very independent and strong woman like my wife, this is quite insulting and it has annoyed her ever since she came here as a 14 year old girl, almost 10 years ago.

At the same time, from the same kind of people, I myself have met insinuations that the reason I got in a relationship with a Brazilian woman and not Swedish woman must be that I don’t want equality in a relationship, but rather a woman that I can dominate and oppress. A bizarre accusation that manages to be highly offensive both towards me and to my wife – and based on the ridiculous assumption that South American women are by in large oppressed victims.

I have to say, the positive reactions have by far outweighed the negative ones though.

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“Aren’t you scared of her?”

As I said in the very first post of this blog, there are a number of questions and comments that I get as a man married to a woman who happens to be a professional martial arts expert – and I will try to answer them here on this blog. The first one I will take on is:

“Aren’t you scared of her?”

Yes, a couple of men have asked me if I am not scared of my wife. This actually kind of surprised me. I mean, why would I have married a woman, if I was scared of her? And why would I be scared of a woman just because she knows martial arts? It’s not like I am planning to abuse or assault her, so why on earth would I be afraid of the fact that she can defend herself from abuse and assault?

In most cases, a man is capable of physically beating his girlfriend/wife, simply because men are generally significantly bigger and stronger than women. But most men would never abuse their girlfriends or wives physically. And most women aren’t afraid of their boyfriends and husbands. Just because you theoretically can do something, doesn’t mean you will do it. And the same obviously goes for a woman with martial arts skills! Sure, she has the capability to beat up a man who is not trained in martial arts – but that obviously doesn’t mean that she will!

Actually the contrary is true. A woman who is highly skilled in martial arts is less likely to use violence against her boyfriend/man! There is a lot of focus on discipline and self control and restraint in martial arts training and if a woman has achieved a level where she is skilled enough to defeat a much bigger and stronger man in hand to hand combat, she has very likely also achieved a very high level of discipline, restraint and emotional control. There are also strict rules for martial artists to not use their fighting skills on other people, except in self defence.

So no. I am definitely not scared of my wife.

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